Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
