He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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