She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize