I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize