i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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