i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
