stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
