Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
