Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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