new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
farters have to be the big spoon...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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