and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
