you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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