are you so shy because you have an std?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
