Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
