Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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