Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
