Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
we should paint friendship bongs
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