I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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