Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
