This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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