While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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