Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
