dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
