I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
