So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
