Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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