My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
