apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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