thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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