Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
