Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
