Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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