the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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