puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
