My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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