My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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