What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
