Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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