Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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