i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
