I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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