I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
