P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
