I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
