I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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