no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize