Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
