Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
