I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm both gender and math confused
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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