I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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