It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
