You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
