i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
