oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
