I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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