People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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