Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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