Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
