So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
