I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
