Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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