We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
