The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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