good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
