i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
