between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
we're so committed to being not committed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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