well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
