I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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