The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
dude. I can hear the air.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
