Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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