M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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